Best Self Family Post
Working With Your Child’s Teachers
8/23/19
The beginning of the school year is a time of excitement and nerves – for students, parents, and teachers! As a therapist, I hear the concerns of students and parents, and it reminds me how rarely we hear about the other side of the equation. In my previous career as a teacher, positive, productive relationships with both students and their parents were essential. If you are hoping to build a stronger working relationship with your child’s teacher, here are a few areas you can try focusing on:
1. Communication
Ask how your children’s teachers prefer to communicate, and understand the limitations of their day. Some teachers prefer email, some like to talk on the phone, and some are easy to speak with informally at after-school pick-up. If you know which is easiest for your children’s teachers, you’re more likely to have productive conversations. And while teachers have “prep periods” without students, these are often taken up with meetings and leave little time for returning phone calls – please be patient while waiting for return calls and emails. Even if your children are doing well or your teens are older, it can still be beneficial to attend open houses and conferences. This allows you to form positive relationships with your children’s teachers, which will help if difficult conversations are needed later. You want to make sure the first conversation doesn’t take place when something is wrong.
Along the same lines, if there is a persistent problem (e.g., your teenager has a zero on their homework grade or your child says someone makes fun of them every day), please bring it up now, rather than waiting until conferences. This allows the teacher time to look into it and come up with a solution before the situation snowballs. As hard as it is, try to keep emotions out of it, state the situation, and wait to see what the teacher says as you may be missing information or rationales.
2. Being Open to Feedback
Be open to feedback from your children’s teachers – both positive and negative. It is always difficult to hear that a child is struggling academically, but focus on solutions. Ask questions: What can I do at home to help reinforce what is being learned at school? Are there any specific deficits we can focus on? Would a tutor be helpful, and if so, in what areas? Remember that teachers are experts in education and in the age group they teach. If there are negative behavior reports, remember that children act differently in new environments and when they are around their peers. A child who would never act a certain way at home may behave completely differently when looking for attention in a large group or when trying to impress peers. Ask the teacher what support they are looking for: a conversation between you and your child? Reinforcing negative behavior with consequences at home? More communication between the school and home?
If your student is complaining about their teacher, look for facts, not opinions. A common refrain from children is, “My teacher is so mean.” Don’t accept this at face value – ask for specific information! While certainly no parent wants their child to have a mean teacher, remember teachers try to act in their students’ best interests. “My teacher is so mean,” when you ask for specific information, could mean that their friend was misbehaving and received an earned consequence, or that the class was lectured because students were engaging in unsafe behaviors. Try to find out more information before reacting. Teens often say, “My teacher is so unfair.” Again, ask follow-up questions. It could be that your teen turned in an assignment late, and per the teacher’s policy, they were docked points. If there is a situation where you need to intervene, having all the facts will make the discussion run smoother.
3. Self-Advocacy
If your student is nervous about having a teacher whom they have had a contentious relationship with in the past, remind them that the beginning of the school year is a clean slate. For younger students, talk to them about how they can form more positive relationships with their teacher. Begin after-school conversations by asking what went well with their teacher. If there is a problem, coach them about how to speak to their teacher.
As your students enter junior high and high school, encourage them to first advocate for themselves. Practice assertive communication. Coach them on how to discuss a problem calmly. Once your teen has tried to talk to the teacher themselves, you can get involved if needed, but those self-advocacy skills are needed in college and the workplace, and it is beneficial for them to develop them with your support now.