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Tantrums In Young Children
12/04/23
As parents, we have all been there. Things are going smoothly, your child is smiling and laughing or perhaps just in a stable state of calm. When suddenly a tiny tornado of emotions comes through that rocks the house (or even more stressful, a grocery store or family gathering!) Your child is in a state of hysteria, your blood pressure is rising, and you feel like you want to run away, scream, or hide.
While it’s rare to meet a parent that enjoys meeting a tantrum head on, tantrums are typical, common behavior in a young child’s development. So, take a deep breath while you learn 7 ways to help manage a tantrum so that you and your child come out feeling on top!
Set them up for Success: Is your child hungry or tired? Though it sounds simple, at a young age these two things greatly influence a child’s behavior. Before attending an event, make sure your child is well fed and keep snacks and water on hand just incase. If they skipped a nap, had a busy day, or didn’t sleep well the night before, consider postponing your plans if possible. Keep in mind routines and schedules offer a predictability that can reduce anxiety and minimize tantrum triggers.
Review Expectations: Even at a young age, this is helpful and appropriate. Use age-appropriate language and keep instructions simple and straightforward. Set realistic expectations so that your child can easily meet them and feel success. Include your child in the conversation so they have ownership, i.e. “What do you think are some good rules to have during the playdate?” Also, discuss what natural consequences may occur if expectations aren’t met so there are no surprises.
Expect the Tantrum: Try to mentally walk into an experience, whether it’s a holiday gathering or trip to the store, anticipating that at some point there will be conflict, frustration, or a tantrum. This way, our own feelings of disappointment and fight/flight/hide response are not at the forefront of your reaction. Anticipating tantrums can help us manage challenging behavior more effectively. Be sure to also be aware of your own triggers so you can identify and help manage them.
Get on their level: Getting on a child’s level, both physically and emotionally, is a crucial aspect of effective communication and connection. Bend, kneel, or sit with your child as it removes any power differential and makes the interaction more comfortable. Establish eye contact to convey attentiveness and engagement. This helps your child feel seen and heard.
Validate and Empathize: A crucial part of minimizing the tantrum, when you acknowledge and validate your child’s emotions, you help them feel understood and accepted. Remember, due to age or emotional response, your child may not have the language to share what happened or how they were feeling. You can help them by reflecting their emotion, i.e. “It looks like you’re feeling frustrated” and empathizing with them, “It is hard to feel this way”. Avoid over-reacting or dismissing comments, even if your child’s feelings do not seem valid to you. If it’s safe (i.e. your child has physically calmed down), physical gestures such as a hug or holding hands can reinforce your emotional support.
Give Choices and Offer Coping Strategies: After validating their feelings, work together to find solutions or implement coping strategies. Using a calm voice to create a reassuring atmosphere, offer your child no more than 2 choices to help solve the problem. This gives them a sense of control and can reduce power struggles that may lead to the tantrum behavior. You can offer the choices by using your hands, “Would you like to choose the red or blue shirt today?” or providing visuals if necessary. Reinforce positive behavior with praise and encouragement; this motivates a child to continue the positive behavior.
- Reflect: When you have a calm moment post tantrum, take time to reflect on why the tantrum occurred so you can keep that in mind when setting a child up for success in a future environment. Were they tired? Overstimulated? Seeking attention? Try to observe any patterns with your child’s tantrums in order to find more helpful solutions. And please remember, all parents struggle with tantrums (even if they say they don’t!) Tantrums are a common part of development and a child’s growth in the early years; it absolutely does not mean you’re a bad parent. Practice self-compassion and understand that parenting is a challenging role and no one is perfect. If your reaction to the tantrum wasn’t what you had hoped for, forgive yourself and try again next time. Every day (or perhaps even every hour with a toddler ☺) is a new beginning, you’re doing a great!